Emily bounced in. Strong minded, passionate Emily.
“There’s this girl that I don’t like," she stated, "but whenever I try to tell her why she won’t stay and listen.”
I thought for a second. “What would she get out of staying and listening? What’s in it for her?” I asked.
Emily wasn’t sure about that.
“You see," I went on, "I don't think anybody likes to hear bad things about themselves. It hurts. You have to make it safe for her if you want her to stay and listen. Here, I’ll show you.”
I got two bits of A4 paper and on one I wrote ‘SAFE’ and on the other I wrote ‘DANGER’.
“Ok, let’s practise what you want to say. Pretend I’m her and tell me what you want to tell her. I’ll stand on whichever paper shows how I feel. If I’m on the SAFE one, then I am staying and listening to you, but if I’m on the DANGER one, I feel unsafe and have run off and won’t be able to hear you.”
Emily started. Pretty much straight away I moved to the DANGER side but she very quickly adjusted what she was saying, and I felt able to move back. Then, by watching my feet closely, as they moved back and forth (as if she was talking to them) she quickly taught herself how to explain what she wanted to say without making them move to the DANGER side. I was pretty strict on showing how I felt about what she was saying, so she did a good job getting it over in a way that I truly felt did not upset or hurt me. In the end, I felt happy staying on the SAFE side and listening. Oddly, I can’t remember what she said, but the gist of what she wanted to say was this other girl was very bossy.
She went off, and when I came in the next week, she stuck her head around the door to tell me how it went.
“She stayed and listened,” she told me.
“Wow! Well done. That’s a hard thing to get anyone to do.”
“Yeah,” she said, her face showing a lot of thoughtfulness. “And I don’t know how it happened, but somehow she’s become my best friend.”
